The perfect scrambled eggs

Trust me.

You need a ten-inch skillet, heated, but not hot. Keep it on medium, with butter coating the cooking surface - rub the stick on it. Too much butter will fuck things up.

I do three eggs at a time. Crack them into a small cup, stir viciously with whatever floats your stirring boat, and pour into the skillet.

Let it sizzle for a few seconds before pushing from the bottom up with your spatula. Done right, a layer of cooked egg will push up, clearing your skillet until the liquid egg on top rushes in to fill the void. Repeat this from side to side and top to bottom until they're just about done. Don't chop with the spatula - just push.

Transfer to a plate and add black pepper. Some swear by sriracha, but I prefer Thai Kitchen's red chili garlic sauce. The 'ach just doesn't do it for me on eggs.

Also, chill your eggs. I like to add a little milk and occasionally shredded cheddar, but stick to mild cheese. Sharp cheeses overpower the egg flavor, and if you don't want to taste the eggs, eat some fucking cereal.

Finally, brown some sausage in your skillet without oil. Wipe it out with a towel, and then cook eggs as described above - you'll deglaze the yummy sausage fond into your plate o' scrambled.

Ideally, at least one of the finished